Seven Deadly Sins
by PeacockBlue
Summary: The homunculi have gone on holiday; plotting the universe's downfall is a stressful occupation, after all. Ed meets their temporary replacements.


Edward Elric had fought his way past hundreds of chimeras, and passed through several traps without losing so much as a single hair. It may have been petty, but he was going to do _something _to get back at those homunculus bastards.

It seemed empty; even Father's throne-like chair was abandoned, so he allowed himself to relax and, as he pulled out his plan, the young alchemist began to laugh in a way that would send shivers down Colonel Mustang's spine had he heard. This was to prove his downfall.

"Well, well. What do we have here?" said a young female voice from behind him.

It was an accent he had never heard before and it sounded – dare he say it? – _sexy_. He turned slowly around to face the speaker.

It was a brunette girl who seemed to be in her late teens. She wore a cream blouse made from a light, almost gauzy fabric, a pair of bright blue skinny jeans and she carried a teacup and saucer. While he looked her up and down, she lifted the cup to her lips and took a sip of the steaming brown liquid.

"Who're you?" the blond asked suspiciously. "Why are you here? Where are the homunculi?"

She wasn't annoying enough to be Envy; he just didn't have that rising urge to beat up the person in front of him.

"They're away on holiday. Plotting the downfall of the world is rather stressful, or so they tell me. My siblings and I are standing in for them while they're away." Six shadowy flowed out of the darkness and took their positions around her. "We are…"

"The Seven Deadly English Sins!" a spotlight shone down on them from nowhere.

"I am sugar in tea," the first girl told him. "And –"

A man pushed her aside. "I'm Inability to Queue!" his body language screamed 'impatient' and on his calf – exposed by his socks and sandals combination – was a strange tattoo of a red cross on a white background _**[1]**_ In his hand was a wire basket filled with items unfamiliar to the young Amestrian.

Another man sidled up to him, he had the same tattoo on his neck, just above his voice box. He smelled of the deep inner city and carried a black briefcase and some kind of leather satchel with a shiny silver box in it. "I'm Talking on the Tube," his voice was low and rough, and he gave off a strong reek of body odour.

Nose wrinkling, the alchemist stepped back in a hurry, only to bump into the form of a girl – shorter than him! – who wore a fez and bow tie and carried a silver tube that lit up green at one end, buzzing. "I'm Conversation During Dr Who!" she was exploding with eagerness and pulled out a pair of plain glasses, slipping them on. "Don't you think the Doctor's amazing?! The way he conquers all the bad guys and saves the universe? Huh? _Huh?!_"

He looked at the girl blankly, until his flesh shoulder was gripped and dragged away. He was too bemused to do anything about the rough manhandling, however, so settled for staring at the at the man in his early twenties wearing a dark hooded top.. his jaw never stopped moving as he noisily chewed some gum and the way he stood was full of aggression.

"Oi, Gaylord!" his accent bore some superficial resemblance to the others', but it was rougher and sharper. As he moved, the chains of his 'bling' rattled. "I'm Bad Manners. An' wha're you lookin' a'?! you go' a problem with me?" _**[2] **_

"You also appear to have the behaviour of a chav," a smooth, educated voice rang out from behind and a pair of hands gently but firmly steered him away. After having moved a few paces, he was spun around to face an infuriatingly tall man dressed in a smart suit and carrying an umbrella. "I am Inability to Discuss the Weather. Tell me, what are your opinions on last week's cricket scores? Just awful! To think that we could only win by fifty runs!_**[3]**_"

"…Right…" Ed's mouth, open in shocked disbelief as his brain was put on hold throughout, finally let loose a sarcastic comment.

Not paying any attention, Inability to Discuss the Weather chatted on, often repeating himself. Ed tried to sneak away from this insanity, but was caught by the final member of the group.

The man was gruff, and wearing a hideous jumper with an eye-watering pattern of stylised pine trees and brightly-coloured presents. On his head, a thin paper crown sat lopsidedly and he looked like he had over-indulged in some good brandy. "I am Talking During the Queen's Speech. I feel a compulsive desire to comment loudly after every sentence. Often, I join forces with Conversation During Dr Who to annoy the entire family."

Ed could not take any more of this insanity. Mid-monologue, he broke away and ran. He did not stop until he reached his hotel room. He dashed in and slammed the shut, then slid down with his back to the solid wood.

"Brother? Where have you been?" the animated suit of armour somehow managed to look concerned.

"I don't wanna talk about it, Al…"

_LineBreakLineBreak _

When they were next attacked by the homunculi, no-one was as surprised as Envy when the Fullmetal Shrimp clamped his mismatching arms around his waist and almost sobbed "I missed you guys!"

_**[1] St George's Cross, the English flag. The more familiar to readers overseas is the Union Flag/Jack but, as I specified **__**English**__** Deadly Sins, I thought I'd uses England's flag rather than the UK's.**_

_**[2] I debated with myself for a long time over the best way to represent the hard gap that all-too-often replaces the letter 't'. This is the best I could think of.**_

_**[3] I know nothing about cricket. If you are a cricket enthusiast, please keep this in mind when berating me for my ignorance and screaming false facts.**_


End file.
